I cound't sleep. I had to go out. where did i look to go it didnt matter. i wanted to blog and went to the library where 2 other people were sitting there at 2am. I finished then was lost again after that moment. I had no where to go and talk to someone. a guy, a husband of 25 years, a marriage/relationship counselor i talked to. He obviously knew somethin wrong and i didnt know what else to do. when you feel lonely to the point of the lowest of the low...he told me about his earlier years....the military and flirting with countless women...the need for change a replacement a purpose concrete....how he gave up the military to be with a girl he know since he was 13....he married her bt 23 and 24 years old and 25 years later they have 3 children and never had a big arguement...I broke down and cried. That is a dream that i once shared its radical to see my life parallel to his but unlike his, who I found is done, finished, to end from what it seems to me. He said if you want it to work, talk and work it out. If she loves you you will talk but things won't patch up if she doesn't want you back with the same desire and passion you want her too. He said God if willing if you were a fit you will be back together, if not He will help you move on...I DONT WANT TO MOVE ON 
I drank and drank and drank myself to sleep but it didnt seem to work well. I think i had, i cant remember i drank alone. it had to be about 7 cups of the huge styrophone cups. i have a TREMENDOUS headache now but i need more. then I got class to stumble my way recklessly to class in 30 mins. I dont want to go, and graduating doesn't seem so huge or IMPORTANT anymore. I have a responsibility to a new friend blue juice which is the most delicious alcohol ever invented. I have never had a need, a want or desire to fellowship with it until now. Keep the rounds coming...
3 Months
Current mood: 
apathetic
...until May approaches the life that I know is over. There is no beginning no past no present no future. I will clothe myself with a smile one last time as I walk across to stage. I will cry but of different purpose and meaning from all other graduating class of 2007. Its a time to celebrate my life and everywhere Christ has taken me and brouth me through. Friends and family I left each individual a personal letter of my journey. I get to finally see her face to face one time the girl Im liternally dying to meet. I wont say a word but acknowledge with a nod to her wherever that place will be. 1000 lakes not hard to find for an activity lasting 5 minutes atleast. I know your aspiration as you wrote in your blog to risk your life to save a swimmer in need and as you unintentionally missed that orange or yellow flag i ask miss lifeguard please purposely do the same for me. The place that I go will will let your friends know who took this same route as me, that you never stopped loving them deeply. The cold harsh world will get colder you see this place will be absent of me
 | Currently listening :
Famous Last Words
By My Chemical Romance
|
...which is through accepting drowning myself in joys of drunkeness where my only means of happiness lay. Finding release involving drugs to numb emotions of loves addiction, some addiction I dont want to EVER feel again
blue lips, iced veins, solid assphault, frozen solid heart
Fussing and fightin we back at it again
I know that, its my fault, but you don't understand
I got memories, this is crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
Good with ma, good with pa, cool with all my niggas
I should try to decide, wanna let u in, but no
That means memories, and its crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
Its no excuse, no excuse
Why cant I get it right, just cant let it go
I opened up, she let me down, I wont feel that no more
I got memories, this is crazy
She ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I cant help it
Cause my heart is in the same ol' condition that baby left it
And im so cold...
Well First off Im sorry i haven't kept up already. I just ended my internship so all the paper work floating around from my internship to my school for records or completion then the internship wanted to keep documents etc. Plus I had to write daily journals of what I did every day along with evaluations and a final reflection paper. That was all crazy. Now I am back at school which is kinda weird feeling since I have been doing 9-5 the past 2 months. Im still talkin to the same girl. We had conversations about nearly everything cept topics that people never want to touch on...RELIGION and POLITICS. I should know if i have a job within the next couple of months for when I graduate. The hard part is if things go well with her and I, I may have to leave the state and go to Colorado. The place out there seems very interested in me and said they want me to come work for their company upon graduation. It would be touch to leave and be far away from her then. She still has another year or two..somewhere between there until she finishes college. UGH! I haven't told her yet about my current situation. Iono im just tryng to learn as much as possible as i can about her. She seems like she could be the one girl who can unfreeze my heart. To bring warmth to my frozen emotions. Minnesota, Im so cold im so cold im so cold
just for the day I am Unshaken
"Why it is so hard
this idea of relationships
I have other areas and aspects intact
but relationships i seem to struggle
Is it something im doing or not at all
That sets me up to stumble and fall
There is so much more that she promised
Such as a love a love like no other
That can be expressed a better way"
Um I just jotted down some words in a lines that maybe it may turn out into a poetry feel. I am at work so I can't put too much into patterns or rhythem and rhyme expressing my passion, outlook and reactions to such things ie: my current circumstance with the girl [from the previous two entries]. Hmm after looking at the scripture for the day i feel totally different. I dont know why that is but it is a eccentric notion. All the negative vibes, thoughts, outlook is gone...simply vanished. She says she loves me and she couldn't imagine her life or living without me. She seems so callous at times and her moods tend to depress me.She used to not be this way. I wonder what happend to her. She won't even open up to tell me. Right now I feel like I dont even know her. Everything with her is a guessing game that I always get wrong. I dont know what to say, like when it think this is what she wants to hear its not and when I say the opposite it ceases to make her happy as well haha. This is a challenge that i've never experienced. There is a reason i know why she was my first love and why I care for her beyond words. There had to be something about her hiding deeply inside her that now seems dead and burried. Maybe things will progress in a positive and upbeat manner when we rebuild a relationship [by this i mean our friendship] once again.She will be rejuvinated and it will be so much better. For the moment, I feel great and her mindsay.com blogs about her ex boyfriend don't phase me. It could just be that its a Friday...
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12
emotions
